No one cares about reading other people’s boring lives.

Sometimes I like to survey people with the most random questions thrown at their faces, and one of the things I did today at my long and very tedious five hour orientation for some university was to ask readers on what they were looking for in a blog.

The orientation was specifically directed towards graphic and web designers, so I knew they were an internet geek like me. My inane questions on blogging had erratically lead to a storm of what turned out to be an excellent group discussion.

Essentially, we were ranting, ranting about what they didn’t want to read in a blog. And basically, it’s your life.

If you must talk about how you went to work today and chewed sugar-free gum that you swore had sugar in it, then at least, for the love of rice, TRY to make it funny. Trust me, you can find a lot of humor in a lot of situations no matter how simple or complex the story is.

Though if you think that turning it into something comical would fabricate the story and lose its accuracy then don’t talk about it at all.

If truly have a sorry ass life, then talk about the past instead of the present. My new acquaintances had given me the idea to write about my childhood, and boy, do I have SOME stories to brag.

I know some of you are suffering from a writer’s block but you can talk about like, how you use to—ever so discreetly—smear your snot and boogers on your brother’s back for decapitating your Malibu barbie, and how you and your old pal from first grade use to spy on the neighbors getting a tan in the backyard…topless!

You can never go wrong with talking about your childhood. I don’t know about you guys, but my life, as a child, was pretty exhilarating and packed with adventures than it was now.

So if you’re having a blog-fart, I dare you to divulge your wackiest/weirdest/funniest childhood moments.

I’m still—very much—concerned about the last incident that happen and my job in general. To get my mind off of every bad thing that has been affiliated with my job, I’m going to write about some items that I really really want. When I usually think about the stuff that I want to shop for, the stress seems to disperse and then everything becomes peachy keen…for a moment of course.

Ok so here’s my list of I HAVE TO HAVE IT!

Dexter bobblehead

If you’ve been following my blog lately, you shouldn’t be surprise that I’m a huge fan of the TV show, Dexter (future post). I want every damn driver and pedestrian to notice the magnificence of my Dexter bobblehead and be familiar with the fact that I’m a huge fan of that show. I guess I have that mentality of a sports fanatic who pimps their ride with tacky sports logo (flags, abnormally large bumper stickers, etc) representing their favorite team. I don’t have a favorite sports team, however I do have a favorite TV show! Why not sport your favorite show on your own ride as well? I want to be in the loop!

Leg lamp

I love (leg) lamp. I have mentioned, on one of my earlier entries, about redecorating my bedroom. As time changes, people do. I’m not into the whole 80’s brightly colored childish rooms anymore. I want something that screams artsy fartsy, morose and slightly sexual. I thought about it, and the traditional classic film A Christmas Story automatically took a dump on my head. Remember that leg lamp in the film that was purchased by the dad, who was totally getting off on it? Yeah, that one…I want that one, but I assure you I won’t be doing outlandish kinky things with it. The leg lamp will surely add a nice touch to the room once the revamping is final.

Anything studded

For a couple months, I’ve been infatuated with anything that’s laden with studs. If you’re wearing an outfit that’s really boring and basic, a studded bag or a pair of studded shoes will undeniably make your whole outfit look 10x better.

Keyboard typing pants

…

I keed, I keed.

I think I’ve had an altercation with a grand total of 100 customers (or more) since working at an optometry practice for nearly over two years. 99.9% of the customers who had took their anger out on me were at least over the age of 40. What does that say? They have no respect for younger people whatsoever. Sorry, but I’m actually not a child anymore, so don’t treat ever me like one, assholes.

They bitch and moan so much about the prices of their glasses or contact lenses or some dumb bullshit I was never held accountable for that it’s starting to make my nose bleed.

In order to help my boss to keep the business growing, I have to be nice to them. I have to respect every word that comes out of their damn foolish mouths. It’s the best policy when you’re dealing with a shitty customer, so yeah I can accept that. But what if you have to deal with them all the time? What if it feels like you have a multiple of people screaming in your face everyday and you’re not allowed to react to it?

At some point, it will eventually set the trigger off of you. I have reached to that point today, and boy did it feel ever so delightful to be able to release the wrath of Tiff.

You see I had a mean customer today, and I’m a really nice person to work with, I really am. He wanted to buy contacts for his daughter, so I was generous enough to write out a complete chart of what he would be paying if he would get X amount of boxes, and what the insurance would be covering for.

He didn’t understand my chart; so again, I was generous enough to go into full, precise detail of what the chart meant. After seven-ish minutes of lecturing him, he looked at me with a, “Are you retarded?” expression and accused me of ripping him off.

Whoa, whoooa there buddy. I just work here, I don’t make up the prices you fucking worthless piece of nauseating diarrhea shit.

I kept my cool and I tried to give him my reasonable explanation.

That didn’t work. He was furious and now demanded to get the contacts for FREE. So this is where I blew up. C’mon, who demands free stuff when that person is acting like shit towards you? I couldn’t ask for a better time to pop. My boss was out of town, and some fresh doctor was filling in, so she was pretty much working for me.

We were fighting back and forth. And all you heard from me was:

“HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO BREATHE? I DON’T OWN THIS PLACE. I’M NOT THE DOCTOR NOR THE BOSS. I JUST WORK FOR HER, I FOLLOW THE RULES, SO WHY ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF RIPPING YOU OFF? WHY DON’T YOU ACT YOUR AGE AND GENDER? I DON’T HAVE THE AUTHORITY TO GIVE YOU FREE STUFF. WHY WOULD I GIVE YOU FREE STUFF ANYWAY? WITH YOUR ATTITUDE YOU DESERVE GETTING RIPPED OFF FOR A LIVING. TRY WHINING TO MY BOSS ABOUT ME. TRY IT, SHE CAN’T STAND YOU EITHER.”

Btw replace all periods with a gillion of exclamation marks.

After our tiff (HA!), we were nice to each other. That is until he told me he wanted to call the office Saturday, but we were going to be closed on that day (not sure why), normally we open, so I had to inform him about that.

And you know what he does?

He rolls his eyes, shakes his head at me and gives out this snobbish laugh as if he was disproving the business for not opening on that particular Saturday.

What a complete jackass right? Everything was ok between us again, until he had to stir up a round two. Yes a round two, which I will not go into much detail, but what I will say is that after that incident, where he shook his head and laughed, I responded by mocking his laugh and then sarcastically said, “yeah pretty hilarious huh?”

And then all hell broke lose. Fuck that guy.

I’m going to give my boss a two weeks notice when she comes back from her vacation. I can’t handle all of that mess that has been building up in that place anymore.

I was inspired (by The Strangers and many other countless slasher movies that are composed of nonsensical victims who pull off the the same old, typical miscues that have lead most of them to their death) to write the howtos of surviving a slasher film.

Do not SSS.
If you happen to bump into your killer by accident never ever stand, stare, and scream (SSS) all at the exact same time. It’s impolite and makes it much easier for him to kill you. When victims, without much awareness, are suddenly face to face with their killer, it is expected of them to SSS for a duration of 5-10 seconds before dashing off. Unfortunately, most of them never make it to the running part.

For fucks sake turn around!!!!!

Save the hug and kisses for later.
The killer kidnapped your best friend, Tina, and by breaking into his remote, shabby house of torture you managed to find Tina alive, but tied by a tangling web of cords. Whatever you do, do not give her a hug nor say over-sentimental things to her such as, “Aww I’m so glad you’re alive!” and “What did he do to you? I sure hope you’re ok!” Just shut your fucking mouth and untie her as fast as you can before the killer pops out of nowhere and catches the both of you guys.

Never lean against the door you’re hiding behind.
So you didn’t take my last advice and now psycho over here is chasing after you, but you managed to lock yourself in a room. Do not use yourself as a barricade to hold against the door and if you’re physically drained from playing all of that cat and mouse game, rest on anything except for the door which he’s probably standing on the other side of.

Never check if your killer is dead.
You found a loaded gun in the room that you were hiding in, and as soon as the killer was able to break through the door with his wooden axe, you’ve managed to shoot a couple of rounds at his chest and now he’s knocked out cold on the ground. You want to know if he’s dead right? Of course you do, but first off, never ever walk up to his body and give him a modest kick in the rib just to check for any sign of life…that is unless you want him to grab your ankle and then have him tear it off with his mouth. If you want to be 100% certain, just take his axe and behead him. It wouldn’t hurt to chop his limbs off either and maaaaybe he won’t come back for a sequel.

So there’s my compact list. Isn’t that easy or what?

For the very first time, I actually feel very bored with my life. No I’m not depressed; no I don’t need to get laid. I’m just bored and for once I feel the need to step outside of my safety box and take some chances.

The one thing I fear the most is being older and looking back at the things I should have done when I was young enough to do it. That is definitely one of the worst feelings to have. Regrets. We’re young and totally capable of doing anything we want to right now, so take full advantage of your youth.

So here’s my game plan and I’m absolutely serious about this:

Since I’m always living in the “safety box” and never in my life have I ever taken any risk–gawdamnit I’m going to take some fucking risks! I’m going to quit my job as an optometric technician (of two years) for good. People actually go to school for that position and I heard that it is hard to get an optometric technician job even if you have a certificate or a degree for it, so I’m about to leave a good job (though a very stressful one as well).

Next, I’m going to focus more on working my portfolio and my freelance work as a web and graphic designer. My current client is actually the model and Internet personality, Raquel Reed, who was featured on my last layout.

I’ve also applied for some magazine internships, but that I’m not too crazy about. If I get it, awesome, and if I don’t, I’m still awesome.

And finally, this is completely surprising and random of me but I’m going to audition for some paid and non paid acting gigs and see where it takes me. My intentions are not to get on the silver screen and become this high payed actress; I’m just going to participate in some low-budget, indie films just for the love of acting.

You only live once right?

I got the chance to watch The Strangers today and there was really not much reaction after watching it. If I had to give a grading for the film, it’d be somewhere along the lines of a D.

There were a few scenes that left chills at the back of my neck (ie the way that the film was shot suggested that the masked figures could have been anywhere), but it did not make up for the awful and utterly predictable overall story.

Personally, an excellent (but rare) modern day horror film would not rely on people or random objects bursting out of dark corners, unexpected loud thumps and other things that would drive the audience to jump in surprise and fear. Any horror movie can do that.

The Strangers is the epitome of “jump out” scares. One or two times is okay, I can take that, but to have that reoccur over and over and over again is just distracting. There was not one single moment where I was relaxed during the film, since there was always a silent moment and then a sudden BWWAAAAHK!!! Following by piercing screams of Liv Tyler. Let’s just say I was less concerned with the movie, and more concerned about not looking like a pussy.

And finally, another reason why this film gets a D grade is because the protagonists repeats the mistakes that victims in generic horror movies always make. Basically, they’re retarded and fail at my list of what NOT to do in a horror movie (future post).

All in all, it’s an alright movie. The plot is pretty much straightforward, no twists, no turns…go figure.