No solicitors and religious bigots please!

I hate it when strangers knock on my door. I hate it. Ugh! Doesn’t anyone feel the same way?

First of all, they’re strangers.  You don’t know them, and you don’t know why they’re here until you answer the door and talk to them.  If you’re not here to deliver a package or a pizza then get the hell out of my yard!

And they’re most likely crazy people.  I’ve had either very bad or very uncomfortable situations every time a stranger walked to my doorstep.

So one time, there were two 12-year-old girls who were selling candy door to door.  When they reached to my house, I already told them that I bought them from another kid, and well-actually here’s how the conversation went:

“Sorry, I just bought some candy bars off of your other friend. He came about five minutes ago.”
“What’s his name?” One of the girls asked, who looked a bit irritated.
“I don’t know.”
“What did he look like?”
“Stubby. Brown curly hair.”
“What program did he say he was from?”
“Does it even matter? I already bought the candy.”
“Just answer us lady!!!!!”

I rolled my eyes and then closed the door. Kids these days.

I had another one, except this time it was two high school guys, selling newspaper subscriptions.

I had just walked out of my car at my driveway, and as I walked out, they were already walking towards me.  It was 6PM, the sky was getting dark and I already wanted to go back in my car and lock the door, but they were already three feet away from me.

They asked me if I wanted to subscribe to some newspaper but I told them that I was already subscribed.  One of the guys kept on insisting that I subscribe anyway to help them earn “points” for school.

I said “no” and I told them that I had to go, which made the guy seem rather annoyed and impatient.  He walked up to me until he was a foot away from my face and then he said, in an intimidating and aggressive voice, “Then at least…GIVE US…A DOLLAR.”

I gave it to him.  What a real fucking douche, right?  He threatened me for a buck.

And then you have your crazy, bible thumpin’, going door-to-door, proselytizin’ Christians.  I’m not bagging on Christians, I’m a Christian too, I’m just talking about the crazy ones.

I had some spunky guy who gave me a postcard of the church which he regularly attends every Sunday, as he was handing it to me he said, “You should goto church sometime, we’ll sing and praise the LAWWWWWWWWWD TOGETHER!!!”

I answered, “Thanks, I do go to church.”

“Oh really! That’s amazing! Where?”

“St. Columban, the one on Nutwood.”

“Oh I know what that is.  That a Catholic church right? Hmm…” The spunky guy did not have his spunk anymore. “Catholic, huh? Ha…you should attend my church.  Mmmm I don’t get it.  I don’t get what they do.  What’s with confessing your sins to the priest? And the priests? Oh boy…”

A quarrel ensues.

I was just thinking about it because yesterday, I saw two older ladies (why do they always come in PAIRS?!) walking to my door.  They were holding bibles in their hands, and I think they were Protestant bibles (I had one, it came from the Gideons…that’s a Protestant bible right?), so I decided to spare them time by pretending I wasn’t home.

They were waiting for over five minutes too! Gotdamn, I must be bad at being quiet.

Religion and Christianity is just not a good topic to start right off the bat with, ESPECIALLY when you never met them before.  Like, can you imagine a stranger coming up to you and he started saying stuff like, “Hey, do you believe in Jesus Christ and that he’s the Son of God?”

Dude, just…don’t.