I have this buddy, who’s Mexican, and every time her and her brother greet each other they kiss each other on the cheek/side of the lips.
Can I do that with my brothers? No way.
I also have this boyfriend, who’s mostly French and Filipino, and every time him and his parents greet they kiss each other on both sides of the freagin’ cheeks!
Can I do that with my parents? lol.
Let’s just put it this way: When my mom informed me she was cooking bun xao, I decided to do the unorthodox by giving her a big bear hug because I loved eating bun xao so much, and I was in a real happy mood that day. After I hugged her it was pure…awkward…silence; and her face, god her face, it made me wonder, sorry but did I just hugged you or punched you?
Never doing that again.
My family, as well as other traditional and conservative Asian families, aren’t exactly your conventional Brady Bunch type! They’re really not into the whole hugging and kissing deal. Needless to say, my parents do love me, and I hugged, kissed and cuddled with them during my youngest most vulnerable times, but when you hit junior high–or earlier–preschool, all of that stops because now it’s a whole different kind of love which you have to give back to them.
So far I’ve been living with my parents for 22 years and not once have I ever had a real conversation with them that lasted for more than five minutes (hence the lack of my Vietnamese vocabulary), thus for the last decade of my life, they’ve never given me a hug or a kiss, or even patted my back. Do I feel sad and neglected? I’m far from it.
Regardless of all that, there’s an odd connection and bonding that sparks between my parents and I whenever I succeed in something. When I do well in school and get straight As, that’s me showing affection to my parents and saying to them, “I love you.” When I become a doctor, lawyer, or a pharmacist and I make enough money to support my family including my parents, that’s me saying, “I REALLY love you.” And when my mom cooks me the best bun xao, that’s her saying, “I love you too.”
As odd or fucked up as it may sound, it’s still love–it’s a different kind of love.
Aww, Tiff, this is really sweet!
Hugs and kisses are rampant in my Italian family–no matter how long it’s been since the last meeting–but on my mother’s side, they’re far more verbal affectionate, if that makes sense.
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there is so much truth in this post, especially that last paragraph. granted, it’s only my dad who’s all awkward with hugs and kisses now (there’s something about immigrating here that changed how me and my brothers deal with each other and our mom), but he’s definitely the same way. yes, he gets on my nerves, but when he’s willing to drive 6hrs one way to pick me up from uni every time i want to go home (since i don’t do this thing called driving and all)? that’s love. and when he makes sure to prepare some of my favorite dishes that i don’t know how to cook? that’s love. even if he doesn’t say anything about it or gives me a hug when he sees me. :]
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Haha. You’re so on point. One time, for fun, I told my mom I love her and she told me shut up HAHAHA. And my family doesn’t know how to say “bye” on the phone. They just hang up. Haha. Typical asian.
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Jen Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 5:47 pm
My dad does that too! He just hangs up the phone on me. So I call him back and make him tel me by. LOL.
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I did that once and it ended in pure awkwardness too… I ran away after.
It kinda makes me sad though because when we were little, my dad would come home after his night shift, come into our rooms and kiss my sister and I on the forehead as we slept but now our family never physically show love between each other anymore. Not like I’d want to though… that would be awkward. Lol.
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Hmmm, im just really affectionate towards my Dad, hugs and kisses all the time and we say our i-love-you’s at the end of each phone call, chat convo or email (i guess cuz I only see him bout thrice a year since he’s based abroad due to work, that i always miss him to death..)
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I can totally relate here. Not so much with my Mom, but my Dad. He’s not the “i love you” type of guy, nor the hugging, he even has a tough time with “thank you” and “I’m sorry.” I thought it was just my Dad, but good to know it’s not only him.
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I used to do the beso-beso (the cheek to cheek kiss) with my cousins. I don’t know when we Americanized to hugging but I miss those!
I think my family tends to communicate more than most Asian families but reading through your comments, richL’s comment cracked me up! My parents don’t usually say bye on the phone either. My friends always say “I love you” to their parents before hanging up but if I accidentally say “ok” on the phone to my parents, I’ll hear a busy tone in the next 3 seconds because they’ll think I was done talking
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haha i remember watching this japanese movie called 10 promises to my dog.. or something like that. and in it, she hugs her long lost friend who becomes a special friend and her girl friends giggle and say its “foreign style!” i thought that was cute, and so true.
as for kissing on the side of each cheek… i was JUST introduced to this type of greeting by a filipino actually. but a worldly traveled one whose lived in europe before.. i think it’s more of a european thing?? i’m not quite sure. it was awkward for me. because i wasn’t accustomed to it. and of course, being vein or stupid or naive, i thought “DOES HE LIKE ME!?”
then this other couple in the philippines did the same thing to me too. a half asian-dutch girl and her canadian-filipino bf. soooo weird.
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Very true. Doesn’t even have to be family in some cases. I used to be a super touchy-feely type of guy but I guess I have just been in this country too long — when ever anyone pats me on the shoulder or hugs me or whatever, I feel down right uncomfortable now because I’m not used to it anymore.
To make things worst though, I really miss it at the same time, and feel bad about being uncomfortable — if that makes any sense.
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Headed on over here from your reply!
Yes! That is pretty messed up, lol. But I understand where you’re coming from. Perhaps you handle it WAY better than me, but I can definitely see how it’s an Asian thing. You are very mature to have seen the “unspoken” love with your parents
I think my mother used to be harsh with words and had the unspoken and almost hidden love thing going on, but over the years our relationship has grown to be so much more open and affectionate as I grew older. My mother is much much more affectionate than my father, and she actually has taken care of me my whole life, so I think that’s why I have a bit of that bias against my dad. My dad was born in a rich family that did everything for him back in Vietnam (we live in California), so even now he doesn’t know how to take care of anyone, even himself. I am sure he loves me somehow, I just wish things were a bit different. But we can’t have it all, so I’ll accept our relationship for what it is, since it could always be worse.
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