Archive for the ‘Celebulite…ew’ Category

A year ago, I posted my Top 5 Girly Crushes. This year, I have surprisingly developed more crushes.

3. Iggy Azalea

“The real Barbie, betch.”

Iggy Azalea to me is neither cute nor gorgeous…she’s just really hot. A female rapper who oozes sex appeal with every photo she uploads on her Facebook which I stalk/creep on a regular basis. She’s my current eye candy obsession and the fact that she’s got a great sense of fashion and a rockin’ body to go along with it, makes it even better. She’s like a hybrid of Gwen Stefani and Lady Gaga, but spit rhymes like Charli Baltimore (I guess lolz).

I’m just not sure if I can get into her music, but at least she has her good looks to back it up, right guys?

2. Yolandi Visser

“Yippee ki yay muthafuckas!”

If there was a category for the hottest looking crackhead/meth addict she’d definitely take first place. Yolandi has been growing on me ever since I saw her rapping in a gloomy bear jumpsuit. It really also helps that she’s from South Africa ’cause thanks to one of my favorite movies District 9, I’ve grown quite fond of how South Africans pronounce their words. I freakin’ love their accents mang, and to top it all off, Yolandi has a very high-pitched mousy voice, thus every swear word that comes out of her mouth when she raps, is like sweet, sweet music to my ears.

Like Iggy Azalea, Yolandi also raps, but unlike Iggy Azalea, I truly enjoy listening to Yolandi’s music with her group Die Antwoord–which I will be seeing them live very soon, fok yeh!

1. Kimbra

Pretty sure we’d all settle down with her and raise a child.

And the biggest lady crush of all, goes to Kimbra! You can’t deny the fact that she has a crazy adorable face. And when you look closely, her mouth is like, really ginormous but that’s what gives her face so much character and beauty. And her hair, holy crap, she’s got so much thick hair that if you try to give her a noogie you would never reach her scalp.

Her talent and creativity is just as flawless as her head of hair. Kimbra’s voice is wonderful; I can’t really explain it but it reminds me of a person singing with their nasals all clogged up. I know, it sounds horrible–I’m sorry I’m just really bad at describing beautiful voices. As for her songs, they’re always fun, whimsical and even though they’re not “dance” songs, you can still dance with her music just fine. Also, I love the way she moves and dances.

Kimbra, you my #1 honey.

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Since I’m no longer an annoying tweenager, I just don’t understand the appeal of Justin Bieber. To me, he’s like an extremely beautiful 8th grade girl with radiant blonde hair–BUT THEN I thought about the boys who I use to fall practically in love with as a kid, were they any better than Justin Bieber? Probably not. So, really, it’s not fair to make fun of Justin Bieber and his ridiculous fan base, when I’m sure my tastes in boys as a kid was questionable.

6. Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Is anyone even surprised that I have him on here? This kid was the Bieber of the 90′s, and probably broke a million of hearts across America with his pimp hand.

5. (the late) Jonathan Brandis
You probably don’t know who the heck he is unless you watched “It” (yes, with the scary clown who turned into a big dumb crab in the end) a zillion times like I did. Not sure why I had a huge crush on him. I guess my 12-year-old self thought that any white boy with blonde hair was good in my book.

4. Zach Morris
I’ve always thought he was an all American good-looking preppy son-of-a-bitch. Turns out, he’s Dutch and Indonesian in real life. Zach Morris is truly the whitest Asian of Bayside High School.

3. Andrew Keegan
From “Full House” to “Ten Things I Hate About You”, I’ve always thought, can anyone be more beautiful than this guy? I really don’t know what ethnic background he comes from, but TV and magazine (ie: BOP, Tiger Beat, J-14, etc) has gotten me pretty me convinced that he was some Indian (the feather kind) kid who was meant to model for the rest of his life.

2. Tommy the Green/White Ranger
I was never into guys with long feminine hair, but good ol’ Tommy made it look manly by the power of his manly karate chops and roundhouse kicks.

1. Devon Sawa
Ha, what an adorable kid he was. Watching “Casper” really did it for me, as I’m sure most other females my age would agree. Anyway, I better stop here before someone mistakens me for a pedophile.

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If you’re around my age, you probably have the hots for male actors like Josh Gordon Levitt, James Franco and Robert Pattinson. While these guys are undoubtedly gifted with charming good looks, nothing is more attractive than real men who are obviously older and far more experienced with being a man, getting laid, punching babies and just life in general.

I mean, look, I’m not saying I have a thing for older dudes. Older people, both men and women, are simply wayyy more interesting compared to us naive little youngsters. The wrinkles and the grey hair people start to get from aging can be a very sexy thing (as long as they’re not druggies or batshit crazy) because it means they’re leveling up. So here are some of the men in the entertainment biz I currently admire:

5. Josh Brolin

"You keep runnin' that mouth I'm gonna take you in the back and screwya"

Who knew this former goonie would grow up to be a ballsy ass cowboy? Brolin gets to be on my list because he’s been in so many good movies lately–although he’s usually in supporting roles, but hey man, he’s just that good at supporting: Grindhouse: Planet Terror, No Country for Old Men, American Gangster, Milk, and The Goonies just to name a few. Yes, that’s him. That’s the guy who played the big hunky brother (Brandon Walsh) in The Goonies; the guy you wished you locked lips with as kid, instead of that fuglified Andy.

4. James Caviezel

Peace be with you!

I swear, it seems like the older he gets, the more beautiful his face becomes. You might know him from The Passion of the Christ, The Count of Monte Cristo, The Stoning of Soraya M, or Deja Vu. He’s got crazy man-piercing eyes that’ll swallow your soul if you stared at it long enough. He makes a good-looking Jesus. And he’s apparently pretty serious about his Catholic religion. No matter what your stance is on the church, you can’t deny the fact that you’ll never be able to find another Catholic man that’s as beautiful as Caviezel.

3. Louis C.K.

"You don't have to be smart laugh at farts, but you'd have to be stupid not to."

If I wasn’t happy with my current relationship, I would ask this glorious son-of-a-bitch to marry me. Yes, I’m aware that he’s slightly fat, ugly, ginger and he’s balding and hair-ing at the same time but he’s one of the most brilliant and hilarious comedians of our time. Louis CK has been putting out original consistently funny and brutally honest comedy for years, and the man hasn’t even lost his fire yet. If you watch any of his stand-ups–or even his TV show on FX Louis–you will understand the odd yet strong attraction I have for Mr. CK.

2. Viggo Mortensen

Je suis ramasser mon nez et les manger comme on parle *wink wink*

I first saw Viggo in the LOTR Trilogies but he didn’t really win my heart until I saw several Youtube videos of him speaking in like FIVE OR SIX OR FUCKING TEN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES. According to Wikipedia, he “speaks fluent English, Danish and Spanish; he is also conversational in French and Italian, and understands Norwegian and Swedish.” If that doesn’t get your panties dropping like Myspace hits, then you’re clearly not human at all.

1. Anthony Bourdain

"I liked the life that went with being a chef. I was getting laid, I was getting high, I was having fun. "

Anthony Bourdain is the coolest, baddest and possibly oldest man on television. Though I may be just a partially biased because he reminds me of so much like my boyfriend in the mannerisms, the younger photos, and the fact that they both appreciate all different types of food from all over the world. But really though, Bourdain somehow turned his chef career into a rockstar lifestyle. He’s a paid chef who doesn’t even have to cook. He has the best job in the world, hands down. He also seems like a real genuine guy who cares because he stands up to activists who try to ban certain foods such as foie gras. He also acknowledges the Mexican, Ecuadorian and other Spanish-speaking immigrants who make up the majority of chefs and cooks in the U.S, and strongly considers them to be the most talented chefs but are undervalued and underpaid. What an outstanding individual.

I’m really hungry now.

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