June 16, 2008 - Filed under Howtos - 8 Comments
Ever feel like playing an easy and painless joke on a total stranger? If so, look no further, I’ve got a mission for you.
There are some people in this world that are in love with their own names. They’re so infatuated that they’ll go to great lengths to order a customized license plate with their name clearly printed on it, and so on.
The next time you see someone with their names written on themselves, their bag, or plate or whatever, pretend that you know them!
Here’s an example of what I did back in high school:
I was eating lunch with an old friend, Tania, at a mall and we notice that the girl who was eating with her back face towards us had a tramp stamp that said, “Melanie”, along with some tacky touches of stars and sparkles.
Me: Do you think that’s her name? What a boring idea for a tattoo if it is.
Tania: I don’t know, but why don’t you find out? Haha.
Obviously, she was being facetious, but I wanted to know, bad, but asking the girl, “Hey, uh, the trampst-I mean tattoo you have there below your back…that your name?” would sound very insulting and a bit gawky to me. So I had to be slick and professional.
Ok watch me.
The trashcan was a few feet in front of tramp stamp girl, so I decided to take one of my used ketchup bags, walk up to the trash can, throw the ketchup away and turn around. Pretending to notice tramp stamp girl, I ran up to her, sat in the chair that was at the opposite end (she was eating alone), and said “Heeeeeyyy. Heyy you. Melanie, right?”
After I had blurted out the name, I suddenly realized that tramp stamp girl could’ve been a lesbian and Melanie could’ve been her girlfriend…or she could have had a sister who passed away named Melanie, and the tat was like a memorial of her! I’m fucked! I was scared up to my wits and I expected her to answer “No, that’s not me. You saw my tattoo didn’t you? Nice try, you’re an asshole!” But there’s no turning back. I already talked and now I was waiting for her to respond.
Tramp stamp girl: Yeah, how do you know?
Oh shit! And she doesn’t even know HOW.
Me: Whoa! It’s me, Jessica (Who doesn’t know a Jessica?). How are you Mel? How’s your family doing? I haven’t seen you in years! Whoa.
And I say this very loud and with sheer enthusiasm, so that Tania, who I could tell was trying so hard not to burst out laughing, was able to hear our conversation.
Tramp stamp girl was really confused…and really lost at the moment, and most importantly she was buying it. Because tramp stamp girl is convinced that I have met her before by using her name, she doesn’t want to come off as an asshole by informing me that she doesn’t remember who I am, so instead, she follows along.
Tramp stamp girl: Jessica. Ohhh…. they’ve been good. Thank you. How are yours?
And that pretty much sums up our conversation. Gawd, I’m so immature.
But that’s how you do it like a champ, and moral of the story is, if you’re a walking nametag AND you’re oblivious to that, you’re asking to be messed with.
June 13, 2008 - Filed under Howtos - 11 Comments
No one cares about reading other people’s boring lives.
Sometimes I like to survey people with the most random questions thrown at their faces, and one of the things I did today at my long and very tedious five hour orientation for some university was to ask readers on what they were looking for in a blog.
The orientation was specifically directed towards graphic and web designers, so I knew they were an internet geek like me. My inane questions on blogging had erratically lead to a storm of what turned out to be an excellent group discussion.
Essentially, we were ranting, ranting about what they didn’t want to read in a blog. And basically, it’s your life.
If you must talk about how you went to work today and chewed sugar-free gum that you swore had sugar in it, then at least, for the love of rice, TRY to make it funny. Trust me, you can find a lot of humor in a lot of situations no matter how simple or complex the story is.
Though if you think that turning it into something comical would fabricate the story and lose its accuracy then don’t talk about it at all.
If truly have a sorry ass life, then talk about the past instead of the present. My new acquaintances had given me the idea to write about my childhood, and boy, do I have SOME stories to brag.
I know some of you are suffering from a writer’s block but you can talk about like, how you use to—ever so discreetly—smear your snot and boogers on your brother’s back for decapitating your Malibu barbie, and how you and your old pal from first grade use to spy on the neighbors getting a tan in the backyard…topless!
You can never go wrong with talking about your childhood. I don’t know about you guys, but my life, as a child, was pretty exhilarating and packed with adventures than it was now.
So if you’re having a blog-fart, I dare you to divulge your wackiest/weirdest/funniest childhood moments.
June 5, 2008 - Filed under Entertainment, Howtos - 8 Comments
I was inspired (by The Strangers and many other countless slasher movies that are composed of nonsensical victims who pull off the the same old, typical miscues that have lead most of them to their death) to write the howtos of surviving a slasher film.
Do not SSS.
If you happen to bump into your killer by accident never ever stand, stare, and scream (SSS) all at the exact same time. It’s impolite and makes it much easier for him to kill you. When victims, without much awareness, are suddenly face to face with their killer, it is expected of them to SSS for a duration of 5-10 seconds before dashing off. Unfortunately, most of them never make it to the running part.
For fucks sake turn around!!!!!
Save the hug and kisses for later.
The killer kidnapped your best friend, Tina, and by breaking into his remote, shabby house of torture you managed to find Tina alive, but tied by a tangling web of cords. Whatever you do, do not give her a hug nor say over-sentimental things to her such as, “Aww I’m so glad you’re alive!” and “What did he do to you? I sure hope you’re ok!” Just shut your fucking mouth and untie her as fast as you can before the killer pops out of nowhere and catches the both of you guys.
Never lean against the door you’re hiding behind.
So you didn’t take my last advice and now psycho over here is chasing after you, but you managed to lock yourself in a room. Do not use yourself as a barricade to hold against the door and if you’re physically drained from playing all of that cat and mouse game, rest on anything except for the door which he’s probably standing on the other side of.
Never check if your killer is dead.
You found a loaded gun in the room that you were hiding in, and as soon as the killer was able to break through the door with his wooden axe, you’ve managed to shoot a couple of rounds at his chest and now he’s knocked out cold on the ground. You want to know if he’s dead right? Of course you do, but first off, never ever walk up to his body and give him a modest kick in the rib just to check for any sign of life…that is unless you want him to grab your ankle and then have him tear it off with his mouth. If you want to be 100% certain, just take his axe and behead him. It wouldn’t hurt to chop his limbs off either and maaaaybe he won’t come back for a sequel.
So there’s my compact list. Isn’t that easy or what?
