I know. There are stars on her face.  Cute, right?

Well, maybe if  they weren’t permanent.

18-year-old Kimberley Vlaminck decided to get supposedly three stars tattooed on her face, but she supposedly fell asleep in the process and woke up with 56 stars. What a moron.

After her new face was revealed to her father and her boyfriend, Kimberley decided to sue the artist for the cost to remove all 56 stars, however the tattoo artist is making claims that she actually wanted all of those (tacky) stars.  He even mentioned that she looked in the mirror a few times as the procedure was taking place (more info  here).

Two questions that comes to mind:

-How did you manage to fall asleep when someone’s stabbing your face with a needle?

-Can I call you Starface? Like Scarface the movie, but uh only not?

I’m not buying her story.  If she was telling the truth, then this was how it probably went down on the night she got her tattoo…

Kim: “Hi I’d like to get three stars on my face, just three.”

Tattoo artist: “That can be done, just have a seat.”

Tattoo artist: *begins to tattoo a tramp stamp-I mean star*

Kim: “Hly cow that really hurts!”

Tattoo artist: “The face is one of the most sensitive areas to get tattooed ya know.”

Kim: “I see. Well, boy am I tired! Mind if I sleep until you’re done? It seems like a really good time to get a good night’s rest right now.”

*snores*

Tattoo artist: “One down and 55 more to go…”

Any tattoo artist would make absolute sure on what their clients would want for a tattoo, especially with something so awfully drastic and bold to be put on their very own face.  And Any tattoo artist wouldn’t throw stars at random places without the client’s compliance.

Despite her bullshit excuse–which I’m sure she was insanely drunk when all of that went down–I feel a little sorry for her. If it was already on a person who looked like a freak, I would be indifferent, but Kimberley, poor ol’ Kimberley, looked completely normal, like the type of girl you’d see shopping at Hollister on the weekends, and now she’s got the entire constellation eating half of her face.

Last year I met a guy on MySpace. Let’s call him John. John liked watching my YouTube videos (I don’t have them anymore); he also liked reading my blogs since he found most of them to be “raw”, abrasive and direct. Because of that, we then started to exchange messages on MySpace and talked on AIM for a bit.

He was going to fly to Los Angeles to visit his friends there, and since I live about 45 minutes away he suggested that we meet up. He seemed pretty cool. He was smarter than most guys I’ve encountered, and he was funny and interesting, mostly in a vulgar condescending sexist way, so I figured, “Sure why not?”

The day that he arrived to LA was the day before I leave to Boston and New York, obviously we didn’t have much of a choice to pick a date. So during the only day in which we were available to hang out, I brought a friend along, and he did the same. We met up at the beach, and things are already off to a bad start.

I couldn’t get him to open up. I asked him questions that never made it to a full on conversation. I threw in random jokes and funny comments here and there in attempt to break away from the awkward tension. But something seemed off about him. The way that he played with his thumbs, the way that he sat in his chair, and the way that he glanced at other people made it appear as if he was simply waiting and expecting something else from me, something specific. I just had to find what it was to unravel the John I knew online, but I never did. I gave up anyway since he made no efforts either.

We ended the day with an awkward and unsatisfying taste left in my mouth (and probably his too) but luckily, we both had vacations to look forward to. So that weird and uncomfortable incident I had to endure was moved to the side… I had a gawddamn vacation to enjoy.

When we both got back from our trips we eventually talked about it. I told him that I was disappointed when we first met up. He felt the same way, and the reason being he was expecting a different side of me, and he didn’t get it.

Oh…so he was expecting something else.

We talked some more and I later found out that he was anticipating meeting the bad-mannered-cursing-like-a-sailor-who-is-pissed-off-at-everybody Tiff like he reads in my blogs and watches in my videos but ended up with the Tiff who is completely normal and slightly dorky on occasions because she spouts her favorite movie quotes and laughs at her own jokes.

So the point of the story is: If you meet me in person and expect me to tell you to go fuck yourself and everybody else in the world because I’m supposedly angry and abrasive all the time, then you would surely be disappointed.

Why?

Because I’m not socially retarded. In “real life” I’m pretty nice, polite, and likable. I’m not blunt. I don’t creep people out. I try to avoid confrontations. I treat everyone with respect. I don’t freeload off of people’s food. And I certainly don’t go off on a tangent listing my aversions then go into detail on why they piss me off unless you ask for my opinion.

Sometimes I do swear. Sometimes I say “fuck” more than Orange County people say “like” but it really depends who I’m talking to and how comfortable they are with my use of profanity.

My writings can sometimes be different from the way I am perceived in person because I usually don’t describe what I do on a day to day basis (unless something funny/weird/interesting happened, but my life is pretty much normal). That shit bores me and I’d probably end up typing myself to sleep if I wrote how I walked the dog and then studied for a Biology test while eating Mac n Cheese.  When writing, I tend to pick out the ones in which I have fun writing about.  I write for myself and I let everyone in.  I do it at my own pace. No expectations. No courtesies. No politeness. Just me.

First one is about a young girl who performed “Ode to Motherland” during Beijing’s opening. It was a delightful performance, but it turns out that she was lip-syncing! Lip-syncing wasn’t the problem actually, because the voice that was used belonged to a some other little girl, Yang Peiyi, and she wasn’t used because she wasn’t cute enough.

At first, I laughed. I know, I’m a jerk, it was pure comedy for me, but as I kept thinking about the situation and how Yang would’ve felt, my heart just dropped for the poor little undercover singer.

I can only imagine how the conversation had went…

“Hey Tiff, we love your voice, but we found a much cuter chick that’ll make this country look better. She can’t sing for shit, so we’re going to use your voice for her to lip-sync. Thanks!”

Yeah you’re welcome you selfish superficial sucking cocks!

When I first heard about it, I thought, “Man, this girl must be ugly as hell for them to only use her voice”, but when I looked at her photo and the photo of the imposter, I couldn’t even tell the difference between the two, except one’s hair is longer than the other, but other than that, all kids look a like:

Second story is about underage gymnasts from China. In order to participate in gymnastics for the Olympics you have to be at least 16 years old, but some of the girls of the Chinese Olympic team are supposedly younger than that.

China is denying the reports saying legal documents were shown, but I say fuck the documents. Fuck it. The cold hard evidence is THEM. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that these girls haven’t even reached the age of 16 yet.

You decide:

Sixteen my ass. I could pass for their mother if I looked sixteen again.

And third, is this picture of Spain’s basketball team doing slit-eyed gestures:

They don’t consider it to be inappropriate, but have they ever thought about the possible countless negative reactions that they’re about to receive from other people?

They remind me of the kind of friends I use to have that would make racist remarks right in front of you and they’d be about your or your background, but they have no idea that it could be incredibly offensive, and because it was not their intentions to hurt you, you can only forgive them for being so dumb.

Yeah, that’s how I see it with those guys. If they didn’t mean to insult us, then I can let it slide, but still, that’s a pretty dumb picture, assholes.

-The video skips (I think it’s because of the website), so don’t think it is your internet!

-And if you don’t know which person I am (which I hope you do by now), I’m the only Asian girl in it.

I met a crazy lady at a park about two days ago and she frantically warned me to take a long vacation outside of the state as soon as possible. She predicted that there’s going to be a massive earthquake that’s going to take place in southern Cali soon and it’s going one of the deadliest ones that will kill hundreds of thousands of lives.

I thanked her, but I didn’t listen to her warnings since she was crazy.

Two days later, which was today, the moment when everything around me started to shake and wobble, I thought, “Maybe that crazy lady isn’t so crazy…fucking mother of shit WE’RE GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

We’re ok.

The earthquake lasted about 10-15 seconds here, and the terrifying experience has lead me to prep myself for the next potential disaster. Since we have a baby in the house, my sister and I talked about it and we made notes of the best spots in our house to hide under if it ever happens.

The plan sounds effective and all, but I even asked her, “What if I’m in the middle of taking a shit and all that goes down?”

I’m not trying to be an asshole or anything but has anyone ever thought of that? Has anyone ever died or gotten injured by getting clobbered by the falling ceilings while they’re trying to shit?

Man, that’s the one of the WORST time of the day to have an earthquake. I sure hope that doesn’t happen to any of us.

It’s an actual game that involves actual bodily activity. It comes with the Wii Balance Board which functions as your handy dandy controller and personal scale. My only concern is that the board is white, pure white. Can you possibly imagine the countless numbers of filthy looking footprints that are going to be attacking that thing by the end of the month? Gross.

Yeah it’s kind of like DDR, except you don’t have to move in retarded-like motions and the game offers a range of activities that’ll help you get into better shape activities such as yoga, snowboarding, stretching, jogging, et cetera.

I don’t own one yet, but I think I’d purchase one in a heartbeat if pole dancing were one of Wii Fit’s fun-filled physical activities. I mean-what better way to enhance your upper body strength in a creative way than a good ol’ pole dancing lesson?

Pole dancing could be an extension of Wii Fit, given that it might get in the way of other activities (parents might not be too happy about watching their little girls swinging around poles either). You can separately purchase a pole, a Wii Pole, if you will, and somehow have it join to the Wii Balance Board.

And wallah! You have something like this:

Hmm…I think we might be on to something here.

Update 5/27: Oy vey! Look what I found Wii Pole Dancing Game

Fuckingpussycunt motherfucking bitchtits.

I want to cry, but since I’m not a pussy, I’m going to hold it in and cry on the inside. Also, I think I’ve been wasting my time in college-just realized that I don’t need it.

On an even more dark, depressing note: On an audiotape, Osama Bin Laden is supposedly accusing Pope Benedict XVI of initiating a crusade to deride Islam (which is completely false) and threatening Europe for the republishing of cartoons depicting the Prophet Muhammad.

As a practicing Catholic (or trying to, minus the swear words and penisaurus illustrations!) who holds deep appreciation for His Holiness, I’m starting to worry. It isn’t the first time he has destroyed the lives of many innocent people, but we’re hoping that whoever is behind this is really some lowlife who’s whoring for some attention since the authenticity of the video has not been confirmed yet.