Category: Wtf


My parents are driving me kerr-rRAaZy!

Filed Under: Personal, Wtf by Tiff — 9 Comments
May 11, 2009

Because of the renovation, I’ve been living in the garage with my parents for three weeks already and I…just…can’t…fucking…take it anymore.  Really, I tried to keep my cool.  I kept it cool for the first few days but gees, I cannot tolerate with the way they’ve been treating me.

They treat me like I’m their mentally retarded daughter.

Seriously.  That’s my only problem.  I wish I was trying to be funny, but I’m not.  I’m being treated like a person who suffers from mental retardation.

For instance, my parents will repeat the same stuff to me over and over and over and over again…

Dad: They just put the tiles in today, you can’t walk in the kitchen.

Me: Yeah, I know, the guys already told me.

Dad: Oh? Ok.

(30 minutes later)

Dad: Remember not to walk in the kitchen.

Me: I know.

(one hour later)

Dad: Don’t take a single step in the kitchen.

Me: Yeah, I know! Sheesh.

(five hours later)

Dad: You can’t walk in the kitchen.

Me: (head explodes)

They always restate the obvious…

Me: Wow it’s cold! Oh btw, I’m going to go out tonight.

Mom: Make sure to wear something warm.

Me: Nah…I think I’m going to go with a white fitted wifebeater so everyone can see how long my nipples will harden.

Another thing that really pushes my mentally retarded buttons is how they’re trying to put a curfew on me. It’s really weird. First of all, I’m 21 years old, I’m a woman, aright? And second, before the renovation, I had no rules, I had no curfews, so for them to coerce (yes coerced, dad used anger and intimidation on me to get me to sleep earlier, and mom used “but it’s mother’s day” excuse) me into hopping into bed on my “assigned” time is just really obnoxious…

Mom: I want you to sleep exactly at 12.

Me: No.

Mom: Please? For Mother’s Day?

Me: Why?

Mom: Because it will be good for you.

Yeah…wish I made this stuff up.  I really can’t wait to get out of here (the garage that is!).

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Dating Manual #4: Do not use flattery as your main weapon.

Filed Under: Dating Manuel, Wtf by Tiff — 19 Comments
January 23, 2009

Today I received a message on OkCupid (not your average dating site) and it says:

I know I already sent you a message but I wanted to say you are very pretty again.

Apparently the guy sent me another message before. But frankly, I don’t remember the message and its sender, and frankly, I’m not surprised that I don’t remember anything about it because I’m sure the first message was as dull as the second one.

If I only knew how to not come off as an asshole to him then I would respond to his message, but since I really can’t, I’m going to be nice by not writing back to him…directly. Instead I will post my never-sent-it-but-shoulda-sent-it message here and if he reads it (I posted my website link on my OkCupid profile) then so be it, it might be a blessing in disguise for him anyway.

Dear Guy who Thinks I’m Pretty Again,

Thanks. But dude, really, I don’t give a shit. I really don’t.

Flattering chicks online with something as superficial and trivial as, “I think you’re really cute” is not going to make them want to rub your balls, guy. And I say online because it’s truly one of the few “places” where you can send an interesting first message by reading a few things from their profile first. Offline…not so much.

So instead of skipping my profile to take the easy route by using flattery of fucking baloney that doesn’t work on anybody nowadays, cut the shit and take advantage of the written, comprehensive profile I have offered to my fellow OkCupiders by reading it and using it to initiate a real discussion.

Flattery can be sweet, when used in the right time and context, but the chances of getting a decent chick to start liking you by simply telling her that she’s pretty, which she’s already aware of, are low, way low.

You know what we like? Be it online or off, we like smart and funny guys who know how to talk. We like guys who can carry a fun and interesting conversation–not guys who are only capable of saying, “Oh I thank yur purrrrrday…” or in Julie’s case, “Damn, you have a nice ass.”

If that were me, I’d answer back and say, “Aww thanks. Poop comes out of it!” Boner, averted.

Sorry,

Tiff

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Missing the toilet should be a crime

Filed Under: Wtf by Tiff — 16 Comments
January 15, 2009

Look, I don’t think this is asking much, but I wish the restroom stalls at my gym and school had hooks so that I can hang my shit up. Like, at the gym, every time I’m doing my business in the ladies room, I have to lay my gym bag on my lap, but sometimes it tips over and lands on the floor. And for some reasons, that grosses me the fuck out.

What’s even more horrifying is seeing people’s jackets lying on the floor. I mean, if you’re going to lay your jacket on the restroom floor, intentionally, as you’re taking a piss, might as well throw it into the toilet that you’re pissing in. I’ve personally seen puddles of piss scattered throughout the floor inside of those stalls many, many times. No one’s going to clean it up, it dries up, and it stays there.

I bet you dudes are wondering how that could’ve happen in a women’s restroom, the piss puddles. See, some chicks prefer “hovering”. In this particular method, their ass cheeks doesn’t come in physical contact with the toilet seat and is only a few inches apart from each other (the ass and the seat). The ones that can do it do it like a champ. They are precise and their piss strategically spurts into the bowl without touching anything else. Beautiful.

The ones that don’t know how to hover but do it anyways, however, have weak knees. When in hovering position, knees are sloppily bent at a 130 degree angle (when it should be 90, at the least) and wobbling legs would commence. As a result, piss skips the toilet bowl and lands fucking everywhere.

Those kinds of inconsiderate hags should be banned from hovering, and they’re probably the same people who leave shit sit on the top of the toilet seat too.

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My first failed Christmas gift (that I’m aware of)

Filed Under: Personal, Wtf by Tiff — 11 Comments
December 25, 2008

My older brother is truly the hardest person ever to shop for because he doesn’t like anything. I mean, really, this guy can be an asswipe.  He likes basically nothing and he’s brutally honest about it.  The best compliment he has ever used was “it’s alright”…but I’m not really sure.

I was having a lot of trouble figuring what I should get him for Christmas until I remembered that one of the extremely few things he actually likes are fishes and aquariums.  Yeah, what a nerd.  So yesterday, I went to a pet store and bought him a really cool fake rusty-antiquey looking anchor that I thought would look really awesome in his aquarium.

Last night, he had gotten home from his vacation in Big Bear and Vegas.  Him and his girlfriend eventually came into my room to give me the presents from them to open.  I ended up getting a book, perfume, and an air freshener.  I was excited about it.

After I had opened up my presents and had thank them muchly, I handed him the bag that contained his gift.

He opened the bag, took out his anchor and looked at it with a half-assed grin on his face.

“It’s something for your fish tank,” I smiled, also half-assed. “I thought an anchor would look really neat!”

“Aww, that’s really nice,” his girlfriend told me.

“I’m not going to use it,” replied my brother, the asswipe.

(five seconds of awkward and ever so humiliating silence)

“Well…I-uh-um…can I have it back then?” I gave out my hand, desperately trying not to look bothered. “I like it! I can use it for my bedroom. Yeah.”

He handed the failed Christmas present to me, and I walked away, in shame.

Frankly, I’m a little butt-hurt, but in a way, it was a good thing.  For if it wasn’t his cold and bleak honesty, the anchor would’ve been thrown right into the trash, never to be seen by humanity again. Instead, it is in my bedroom, safely displayed on top of my dresser for all to see:

But uh anyways…Merry Christmas and happy holidays everybody!

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Kanye West shutter shades are dumb

Filed Under: Fashion, Wtf by Tiff — 23 Comments
December 12, 2008

I can’t believe the number of dumbasses out here that wear Kanye West’s “shutter shades” casually as if they were actual sunglasses.  Every time I see somebody wear that, I’m usually tempted to poke both of their eyes right through their shutter shades with my fingers all stealth-like and then say, “That wouldn’t have happened if you wore real sunglasses. Sucks doesn’t it?”

I don’t get it.  They’re blinds in glasses form, except they don’t close.  Why would you want to impair your vision by looking through blinds all day? Or even a better question…why would you want to wear them while driving? Or even a better question…why would you want to wear them and take a photo of yourself driving with them on while driving?

Yes, the caption does say “Driving with my shutter shades”…twice. Yes, he wasn’t kidding. And yes, this is what he sees when he has them on, I shit you not:

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