I don’t know if I really talked about this yet on my blog, but I do have a stuttering problem. I usually don’t complain about it, or bring it up because my stuttering isn’t that severe, so nobody really notices it. I’m very fortunate to only stutter 5% of my words a day, and when I do stutter it sounds like “w-wuh-wedding” and not “wuh-wuh-wuh-wuuuuuuuuhhhh-wedding”.

However, I AM bringing this topic up right now because my stuttering has gotten a lot worse, and that’s pretty weird. Pretty freaking weird.  My stuttering has always been consistent. I’ve started ever since I could remember, and it has never gotten worse, nor it has ever gotten better…that is until recently. If I did my math right, it moved from 5% words a day, to about 10-20%. Also, “w-wuh-wedding” now turns into “wuh-wuh-wuh-wuhhhhh-wedding”.

Not only has it gotten worse, but also I can’t speak Vietnamese without stuttering severely and I can’t say things that start with a “W” sound in English. I can’t even say “one”.

Last night, I went to bed but couldn’t sleep because I was so concerned about my speech problem. So during the night, I sat upright on my bed and decided to say a couple of sentences to myself that started with a “w” sound just to see if I can go without stuttering, and boy was I wrong.

I tried to say my home address, but could never quite get passed the very first number of the address because it started with a “one”.

“Yes, my address is wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwone.”

Hahah oh noooooooooooo!!!! Gosh, I found it so entertaining and pathetic at the same time, I kept on laughing, plus I’ve NEVER been THAT bad before!

Now before anyone tries to give me advice, I’d like to point out that thinking about the word first and then saying it carefully, is not the solution. It’s like telling a handicap to think about walking, and then have them try to get up and walk. We don’t stutter because we don’t think before we talk, we’re just incapable of saying certain words at a certain time.

I hate it, and my family always does that to me. When I’m in the middle of stuttering, someone, SOMEONE will always say, “Stop, and think about what you’re going to say. Calm down.”

Dude, I’m not in a rush so shut your fucking trap! The best way to help someone with a stuttering problem is to shut up and let him or her finish trying to say the word, no matter how painful it looks.

Well anyway, last night, I found a way to prevent most of my stuttering. I just have to contort my face, especially my lips, and say the word in a combination of a Mexican accent and Count Dracula’s. Sure I may look funny as hell, but shit, I don’t stutter, AT ALL!

Also, because I usually don’t stutter when I sing, I can also get into like, a rhythm when I’m talking.  It’s not singing, but it’s definitely close.

Isn’t stuttering just plain funny? The cause of it is just a huge mystery and the ways to hide it is just baffling. Why do I stop stuttering when I’m singing?  Or why do I stop stuttering when I make funny faces and talk with a ridiculous Hispanic-Count Dracula accent?

A: No, I just have telekinetic abilities. That’s all.

Sincerely,
Tiff

I just remembered selling ludicrously bland things on Ebay last year and making money out of them. And by ludicrously bland things, I mean t-shirts, and by t-shirts, I mean plain white t-shirts that have already been worn by me.

I also noticed that my things tend to sell if I’m in the picture (duh), so I’m thinking, man, if I just hold a Styrofoam cup of paper clips and a used travel size shampoo and conditioner, and then post it on ebay, would anyone bid on it?

To quench my perpetual thirst for answers, I decided to google “weirdest ebay items” and found out that, and I shit you not, some belly button lint is currently up for bid for $170.00 so far.

So yes, I’ve come to the conclusion that someone, at least one person, in this wacked out world we live in, will purchase my Styrofoam cup of paper clips and used travel size shampoo and conditioner. I may not get a lot of money out of it, but somebody will actually use their time to bid on MY piece of junk, and of course, little money is better than no money.

But I’ve got a better idea. When I’m done selling my real stuff (stuff that a lot of people would want to buy), I’m going to take a picture of myself putting gum in my mouth, chewing it, taking it out and putting into a Ziploc bag…because you know why? I’m going to sell it on Ebay. I swear.

I’d just love for someone to purchase MY used gum. Honestly, who the hell can say, “Yeah, I sold my used gum for five bucks on eBay..pfff.”

I’d like to be that person.

So research shows that we are subconsciously more attracted to people with symmetrical faces. I am not one of those people, but if I did have a well-proportioned face it would look something like this:

The left photo is based on the right side of my face, and the right photo is my left side.

After some careful deliberation, I’ve decided that the left side is my good side…yeah that’s the crip side. HA!! I crack myself up sometimes. Ok not funny. Anyways, it’s kind of adorable, in a freakishly Star Trek kind of way, but check out the raunchy photo on the left! Shit guys, you’re telling ME that I’d get laid if I’d looked like that?

I think I’ll pass and stick with my original, asymmetrical sex face.

I made a horrible mistake yesterday. My niece was having trouble making a mask so I insisted to help her.

Well…it turns out that the mask I made for her is creepy as fuck! Especially when it’s on little kids, it’s fucking creepy. And the simple fact that she never wanted to take it off added more creepiness to the whole situation.

I have proof of its creeptivity:

Aw man what the hell is that?! She needs to take the mask off before it controls her to steal candy and hurt tiny animals.

The mask CERTAINLY reminds me of The Strangers, a horror movie that’s set to come out on May 30. From what I can tell, it’s about a young couple who are terrorized by a family of twisted mask-wearing murderers that sneak into the couple’s house. Judging by the trailer, it looks very scary, and very scary is very good. And yes, I’ll be watching this on the 30th.

Here’s a screen shot of the movie that happens to look like the picture I took of my niece. Ahhhhhhhh!!

I commend the handphone charging station for saving calls.

Yeah it may seem a little geeky at first, and it may seem awkward if you’re standing next to a stranger who’s charging their cell phone too, but this is an excellent invention whether you like it or not!

I hear you mock, “But tis a machine for irresponsible lazy good-for-nothing Americans!”

This is the technology of the future! I carry an ancient phone with an ancient battery pack that needs charging every time I’m on the phone for at least an hour, so I give handphone charging station a thumbs up of approval and awesomeness.