I was inspired (by The Strangers and many other countless slasher movies that are composed of nonsensical victims who pull off the the same old, typical miscues that have lead most of them to their death) to write the howtos of surviving a slasher film.

Do not SSS.
If you happen to bump into your killer by accident never ever stand, stare, and scream (SSS) all at the exact same time. It’s impolite and makes it much easier for him to kill you. When victims, without much awareness, are suddenly face to face with their killer, it is expected of them to SSS for a duration of 5-10 seconds before dashing off. Unfortunately, most of them never make it to the running part.

For fucks sake turn around!!!!!

Save the hug and kisses for later.
The killer kidnapped your best friend, Tina, and by breaking into his remote, shabby house of torture you managed to find Tina alive, but tied by a tangling web of cords. Whatever you do, do not give her a hug nor say over-sentimental things to her such as, “Aww I’m so glad you’re alive!” and “What did he do to you? I sure hope you’re ok!” Just shut your fucking mouth and untie her as fast as you can before the killer pops out of nowhere and catches the both of you guys.

Never lean against the door you’re hiding behind.
So you didn’t take my last advice and now psycho over here is chasing after you, but you managed to lock yourself in a room. Do not use yourself as a barricade to hold against the door and if you’re physically drained from playing all of that cat and mouse game, rest on anything except for the door which he’s probably standing on the other side of.

Never check if your killer is dead.
You found a loaded gun in the room that you were hiding in, and as soon as the killer was able to break through the door with his wooden axe, you’ve managed to shoot a couple of rounds at his chest and now he’s knocked out cold on the ground. You want to know if he’s dead right? Of course you do, but first off, never ever walk up to his body and give him a modest kick in the rib just to check for any sign of life…that is unless you want him to grab your ankle and then have him tear it off with his mouth. If you want to be 100% certain, just take his axe and behead him. It wouldn’t hurt to chop his limbs off either and maaaaybe he won’t come back for a sequel.

So there’s my compact list. Isn’t that easy or what?

I got the chance to watch The Strangers today and there was really not much reaction after watching it. If I had to give a grading for the film, it’d be somewhere along the lines of a D.

There were a few scenes that left chills at the back of my neck (ie the way that the film was shot suggested that the masked figures could have been anywhere), but it did not make up for the awful and utterly predictable overall story.

Personally, an excellent (but rare) modern day horror film would not rely on people or random objects bursting out of dark corners, unexpected loud thumps and other things that would drive the audience to jump in surprise and fear. Any horror movie can do that.

The Strangers is the epitome of “jump out” scares. One or two times is okay, I can take that, but to have that reoccur over and over and over again is just distracting. There was not one single moment where I was relaxed during the film, since there was always a silent moment and then a sudden BWWAAAAHK!!! Following by piercing screams of Liv Tyler. Let’s just say I was less concerned with the movie, and more concerned about not looking like a pussy.

And finally, another reason why this film gets a D grade is because the protagonists repeats the mistakes that victims in generic horror movies always make. Basically, they’re retarded and fail at my list of what NOT to do in a horror movie (future post).

All in all, it’s an alright movie. The plot is pretty much straightforward, no twists, no turns…go figure.