Like, farting is hilarious. I always get a kick out of listening and telling true fart stories to people. Farting and then passing it to your friend via waving-hand motion is really satisfying.

Naked artsy people make me giggle–but I try to giggle on the inside since it’s not really nice to laugh at naked artsy people. I took a life drawing class last year, and it took me a while not to look like I was trying to hold my breath (from laughing) every time a model disrobed in front of the class.

I like pressing buttons, more specifically, unfamiliar buttons, buttons I’ve never pressed before (omfg), just to see what it would trigger. The anticipation is the best part, but sometimes the outcome of pressing a button can be really anticlimactic, aka the one’s that doesn’t work.

And the worst of all (I cringe as I begin to type the inevitable), I own guns…toy guns. Though uh I really don’t feel like explaining what I do with them.

Oh yeah true story, when the workers were cleaning out my bedroom for renovation, the cute younger one came up to me with a box and asked, “Did you want to keep these with you?” Confused, I glanced at the box and noticed that he was holding a box of my toy guns. If there was ever a time I wanted to kill myself, it would be that time.

And the point of all this? Nothing really, I just don’t want to work on my finals. Carry on.

PS – I am still screwed.

I got to hold a tarantula (though a small one) and two hissing cockroaches, but no millipede! I might have to add that to my 101 Things. Handle a millipede. Simply because I think they’re awesome and I’d imagine it would feel quite orgasmic to have all their little legs crawl on my arms.

/creepy

I have just two more pieces to make for my portfolio. Here are some of the most recent ones I’ve finished:

Daft Punk: 100% gradient mesh, done in Illustrator.  I don’t think I ever want to do gradient mesh again.

Wall Cop: Photoshop. Yes, that is Robocop and Wall-E looking ever so…attracted to each other?

Book of Dwight Schrute’s Greatest Quotes: It’s fake, but boy do I wish it was real. Photoshop too.

Now for some worthy plugs, if you haven’t yet, visit AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.

It’s so great that I made my whole Illustrator class visit the website at the same time, including the professor.

And last, your business card is CRAP:

A few of my buddies and I went there for the very first time last Saturday and we enjoyed every single minute of it, from the moment it touches the tip of our tongues to the second it gets metabolize by our stomach acids (Dwight Shrute ftw!).  It is so delightfully fulfilling that it really feels like you’ve already eaten breakfast, lunch and dinner for the following day.

Here are the pictures of some of our uniquely crafted, individualized burgers:

Man, I really needed that.  It was the perfect plate to eat right before starting #10 on 101 Things: Eat only mom’s healthy and non-delicious food for two whole weeks.

Reading that nearly had my gag reflex kick into over-drive.

Gugh!

(What the hell was that?)

Gugh!

(That’s the sound of my gag on the internetz)

I eat out more than half of the time because I don’t like most of the food that my mom makes.  Sorry mom, I love you, but I don’t love your cooking .  The meat’s always dried and overcooked.  You like putting guacamole and tomatoes in everything.  You cook too much fish and it stinks up the whole neighborhood.  And the snacks and desserts offered to me usually consists of oranges, apples and broccoli. Broccoli.

Basically, her stuff is pretty bland and predictable.  The only good thing about all the food she puts together is it’s actually somewhat healthy.  There’s not a whole lot of grease/fat;  it’s just there for you to survive.  As a child, I was really thin, thin as a tooth-pick as most would say, and I put the blame on the food that she has been feeding me all these years.

But ever since I’ve been old enough to diss her cooking by getting my preferred food, I’ve been gaining weight.  And gaining weight for me isn’t really bad, it’s just the food that I typically eat is entirely the opposite from my mom’s…fattening and greasy, and boy do I indulge.

Since I should save money (I don’t really have a job) and eat healthy, my goal is to eat nothing but of her food for a minimum two weeks, by that time, I should be adapted to her stuff, thus eating more of it…gugh!

For the past two days, I’ve been eating this:

From left to right:

-Sad and dried “pasta” with dried chicken and chopped up tomatoes.
-Sandwich with ham and only ham
-Yet another sandwich with ham…but WAIT!  It’s got wheat bread and some lettuce this time.

Is that mouthwatering or what?

I don’t know what the genre is called but the one I’m listening to it right now (yes, he’s playing it at this very moment) is fast, usually one-note, and every now and then you hear a man’s voice and it’s always either really high-pitched and piercing (weee beeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!) or really low and throaty.

I really don’t know what I’m listening to but I fucking love it.

2. Answering a shitload of questions on Yahoo! Answers
About once a month, for three whole years, I’ve been going on Yahoo Answers late at night to enlighten minds.

3. Asking a shitload of dumb questions on Yahoo! Answers
I’ll be honest here; some of my questions on there are really pathetic, though I do it anyway because their answers give me some weird sense of finality and certainty.

Believe it or not, I’m the person who Yahoo users think is suffering from paranoia because I’d ask completely unnecessary questions such as, “Does he rly like me?” and in the description I’d put shit like, “Well…we text each other a lot, and well…we talk on the phone until 4am and he buys me dinner. What do you think?”

When more than one person answers, “Yeah sounds like you guys have something going on” I can sleep at night.

I can’t help myself.

4. Eating at Denny’s or iHop with buddies until 3 or 4 A.M.
For some reasons breakfast just taste so fucking delicious during that time-not that breakfast food isn’t generally good, it’s just 10x better when you eat it around 3 in the morning.

5. Coughing up a gnarly looking loogie and analyzing it
Thanks to one of my gaming buddies, Dan, he recently mentioned something about examining a loogie after spitting it out, to which I bashfully replied, “I uh…I do that.”

I’m actually sick right now, and for the past few days, I’ve been hocking up the gnarliest looking shit-globs of shit snot and mucous you will ever see in your lifetime. And it fucking hurts too. It’s the kind of loogie where it feels like it’s slicing your throat with a vegetable peeler ever time you cough or clear your throat.

It’s so gnarly that after every spit, I’d say, “What the fuck is that?” and I’d end up studying it for a minute or two, you know, inspecting the coloration, the impressions that it leaves when I wiggle it with my finger, the layers, the depth, and the moisture of the loogie.

Mustaches and five o’clock shadows are sexy and can be very manly and manliness equals to hotness; they give your face more of a personality. Not only do they look great but also they feel great. I must have tough skin since I know for a fact that most women find it rather painful to kiss a man with rough facial hair, whereas I take pleasure in stroking and caressing my cheeks against the jagged stubbles whilst my hands…and I’m stopping before this turns into a sex tape.

Moustaches and beards are excellent for concealing any imperfection one might possess such as unwanted pimples, wrinkles, fat, herpes and the like. Should a hairy guy shave, he will lose major points in the attractive scale.

A man needs his mustache just like a woman needs her makeup. When you take away his mustache, you’re also taking a piece of his dignity and the X amount of asses he could’ve tapped if he only had the stache.

Obviously, I am speaking in general (ie: some may look good with or without it), but I’ll give you an example of a guy who needs facial man hair to win the gals…and American Idol in this case:

David Cook.

He’s not that bad looking, sort of cute actually, and that’s because he didn’t shave. And look he’s crying! Wah! Crying takes away a lot of man points, but with the help of the divinity of his facial hair, we really don’t care that he’s shedding happy tears.

Now here’s a photo of him with little hair.

Don’t mind the watermark (“Not for public use” FUCK YOU!!)!

Since David seems to be a kind, gentle soul (whatever that means), I’ll try to be nice and only apply one word for the photo above, “NO.”

I don’t want to end this entry leaving people pissed off about how irritating wet socks are, so I’ll tell you what feels unbelievably good: Cleaning your ears with q-tips. I look forward to it every night after every shower I take. Yes shower! Wetter is better (except for wet socks). Sometimes, people think I’m doing something else in the bathroom, but no no it’s just little Tiff working the q-tip.

I know that using q-tips for your ears is supposedly unsafe and limits your hearing, but I cannot resist the temptation.

The end.